If You Haven't Started . . .

A friend once told me I had a questing soul.

And . . . yeah. I am always seeking, searching for something: trying to accomplish something or trying to get somewhere. I'm always questing, whether or not I'm aware of what I'm looking for.

I say this by way of introduction: questing colors my view of the world. It took me a long time to realize that, for example, not everyone was trying to build a stable life - there are people who devoted their energy to living one.

I've been walking the spiritual path for pretty much my whole life. Before I found the path, I was searching for it, looking in books and churches for a connection to that . . . that something true. Whatever that meant.

A great teacher gave this advice on the subject: If you haven't started, don't. If you have started, finish it.

My translation: Your millage may vary. Not everyone is going to want to get down and dirty with their inner demons. Some people will work and have families and drink beer on the weekends, and you know, that can be heroic. That can do more good than a whole year of navel gazing.

BUT! I can't tell you about drinking beer. I can tell you about three things that have been necessary for me, and probably for anybody looking to be a better person.

Thing One: Intention
More than once I have been surprised and frightened by the power of positive thinking. It's great when I formulate a desire, and I just happen to run across someone telling me how to get it less than 20 minutes later. It's also a little scary - somebody up there is listening to me.

Somebody up there is listening to everybody.

We humans are confused creatures, though, and every time I have a noble impulse ("I want to help people!") I have twice as many neurotic ones ("And get rich and famous doing it!"). The nobler ones are louder, I think, and because we live in a reality that just totally kicks ass, the balance gets pushed towards the side of growth and wisdom. Maybe 51% of the time.

It's enough.

So if you want to walk the path, you will find yourself walking the path. You will find yourself running into teachers. You will find yourself in situations that offer you the chance to be courageous (ie, freaking scary ones). You will find that if you are doing a good thing, the whole universe is right there with you.

If it doesn't overwhelm you, well, you're a stronger person than I ever was.

Thing Two: Patience
A few months after I started sitting daily, I used this metaphor: The mind holds a log jam, clearing out a little bit each time there was a moment of No Thought.

(And by No Thought I mean essentially I was paying attention. Ever get really absorbed in a good movie? Hah! Welcome to the world of Zen.)

I don't know if I was really experiencing what Buddhists call Samadhi (and psychologists call Flow State), but I'd occasionally get a moment where my brain wasn't planning lunch. After that metaphor, every time this happened, "The log jam is clearing!" would pop in there.

Now, reflect: this was a thought triggered by not thinking. It happened every frigging time.

There was nothing I could do. I fought it, I sought advice, eventually I just said "screw it" and kept sitting. When I reached this transcendent state of surrendered... nothing changed. Kept on popping in.

Eventually, my brain got bored. That's what it does: it gets bored. Months later, I thought about it, and the log jam hadn't popped in a while.

On the spiritual path, we talk about determination, about great effort, about energy. Screw that. You need patience - enough patience to out last your neurotic thoughts. Enough to keep going until your bad habits have called it a night and caught the last bus uptown. It doesn't have to be some big dramatic teeth-gritting walking-a-thousand-miles-up-hill-both-ways thing, you just have to show up every day.

That suffices.

Thing Three: Hope
(I'm using non traditional terms, because it's easy to get tied down to words. My teachers would have used the phrase Great Faith. Same thing. Probably.)

The world isn't fair. Ain't that a pisser: no matter what kind of rules we make up or how we define justice, the universe refuse to play along. Everyone still dies at some point, whether I think they deserve it or not.

What the world is . . . the world is okay. We get beat up, the trees made food for us today. We go broke, and the earth still supports our weight. We get our hearts broken, and the universe continues to provide space for us to exist in. Doesn't even ask for a tip.

The world can look like a cruel scary place sometimes: it's not. There are parts of it that are rough, times where we get hurt. But we have to keep hope: there are people who will love us, there is rest and respite. Things will change, and any pain - no matter how bad, will pass with time.

People who have near-death experiences can come back changed. They died, and what they felt was great love and great welcome. After the EMT's got them going again, they carried that back with them - that even death is a coming home.

I have hope. I have a hope that I won't be questing forever. That I'll get somewhere and recognize what I've been looking for. That someday I will look into some one's eyes and see home.

And then I'll head out to see if I can help anybody else find the way.
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